Hey Kidd, do you highlight your hair?
No, it's overspray from huffing yellow paint.
Are we there yet?
Now if we were there, would you still be asking?
Dollar Kidd: Hey what did you do that for?
Johnny: Because I am stupid why?
Dollar Kidd: That's what I thought, I just wanted a second opinion.
So, I am having trouble with some software. I call this tech support and the guy who answers sounds like Apu of the Simpson's. And when he says something if you do not reply quick enough, he repeats himself over and over until you comment. Once you comment he moves on. So if you are not done with step one, you just have to listen to him repeat himself. I lost some files that I had to purchase and he said you should have saved them off to a CD. I said yeah thanks, so I guess I don't get any coupons for a free Squishee either.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Making Breakfast
I don't know who wrote this one, but I ike it... SO TRUE!
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen."Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURNTHEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!Careful .
CAREFUL! I said be
CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up!Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him."What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen."Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURNTHEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!Careful .
CAREFUL! I said be
CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up!Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him."What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
RED SKELTON
Red Skelton's Recipe For The Perfect Marriage
From the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word.
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere. But she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it ............... just clean and simple fun.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
The Dollar Kidd’s Top 10 for 2007
The Dollar Kidd’s Top 10 for 2007
#10: Drinking and driving; take a friend because it is easier for them to get the beers while you are driving.
#9: What is worse than getting caught having sex in a public place? Being alone when you get caught.
#8: Every time you masturbate, you increase your chances of getting caught.
#7: Raping a prostitute is the same as shop lifting. Well, I just thought of something, this is only true where prostitution is legal. Otherwise it would be offsetting penalties. In which case you may both be subject to prosecution.
#6: Illegal immigrants to receive Social Security benefits. Great Idea! Whoever thought of this idea should be assassinated.
#5: Why do people say Seasons Greetings or Happy Holidays while Christmas shopping? What is the big deal? You say Merry Christmas to someone and they say Happy Hanukah back to you. Great, you both got your point across, why is that offensive?
#4: A cashier, counting change back, is a math class trivia question.
#3: Thanksgiving is an American tradition. A feast of thanks, by Pilgrims and Indians, is what we were told in school. Well we are changing evermore for the immigrants and illegal aliens. Let’s drop this tradition for something more modern. Let’s take 2 days of work to throw a party for illegal aliens, and provide them with food and clothes til they take can take one of our jobs.
#2: Fast Food restaurants are not as fast as they used to be. I have sat longer at a drive thru window than at a red light. Actually longer to order, then wait for someone to say ok go ahead when your ready, then wait to pay, then wait for that small fry or 6 piece nugget. Then wait for the car ahead of you to pass everything out to all of the kids... What would they do if we started to call in our orders and use the drive thru...
And the Number 1 Thing to remember for 2007
#1: Friends with benefits; is a lot like working for a temp service. Once the job is done, you’re looking for work again.
Note: You might get called back depending on; punctuality, availability, performance, and ability to work long hours if / as needed.
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007
New Rule .1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule .2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule .3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule .4: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule .5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule .6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket... water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That should be your flavored water.
New Rule .7: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule .8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule .9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, "No, I don't want cash back", and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule .10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule .11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule .12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule .13: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule .14: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule .15: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint, as if I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule .16: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months?" "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place . I was attempting to be nice
I couldn't agree more... And it is comical at the same time.
New Rule .1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule .2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule .3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule .4: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule .5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule .6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket... water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That should be your flavored water.
New Rule .7: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule .8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule .9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, "No, I don't want cash back", and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule .10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule .11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule .12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule .13: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule .14: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule .15: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint, as if I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule .16: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months?" "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place . I was attempting to be nice
I couldn't agree more... And it is comical at the same time.
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