Dirt Francis

If we can get this in the back seat it will be easier to unload the dirt...
What's that? It's not gonna fit?

Wasn't me...

OK, so my neighbor lady is like 60 something I live in a string of about 8 houses on the edge of my small town, everyone out there is in their 50's, 60's or 70's. I am 33, so there is a generation gap or two between me and my neighbors.
So when I got out of my truck after work yesterday, she says she wants to talk to me. So I am like sure, and she turned and walked away, I am like oh shit it is about the dog shit.
Sure enough she walks me clear back around her house and says "Look at this I do not appreciate this."
I say "understandable..."
she says, "and that pine tree that borders our property line, He did his business all around it, I do not appreciate your dog using it for a restroom. AND I WANT YOU TO CLEAN IT UP!"
With a straight face, I said "Your kidding, and he told me he has been pooping in the corn field."
She replied with a straight face and a little angry "Well He’s LYING!"

If I had a Dollar...

If I had a dollar for every time someone said "There is just something about you" I would be a Millionaire.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said "Your such an asshole" I would be a Billionaire.

If I had a dollar for every time I had sex, I would be the world's cheapest Gigalo.

If I had a dollar every time that I masturbated, I would be a self made Millionaire.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said "Damn you are HOT!" I wouldn't be able to afford the gas I put in my car.

If I had a dollar for every time I said "I am never drinking again" I could throw an annual party for years to come.

If I had a dollar for every time I told someone my opinion. Warren Buffet would be trying to buy into my gig.

If I had a dollar for every penny I have ever made. Well let's just say I would be a little bit happier right now.

Later,
TDK

Just babbling

Hey Kidd, do you highlight your hair?
No, it's overspray from huffing yellow paint.

Are we there yet?
Now if we were there, would you still be asking?

Dollar Kidd: Hey what did you do that for?
Johnny: Because I am stupid why?
Dollar Kidd: That's what I thought, I just wanted a second opinion.

So, I am having trouble with some software. I call this tech support and the guy who answers sounds like Apu of the Simpson's. And when he says something if you do not reply quick enough, he repeats himself over and over until you comment. Once you comment he moves on. So if you are not done with step one, you just have to listen to him repeat himself. I lost some files that I had to purchase and he said you should have saved them off to a CD. I said yeah thanks, so I guess I don't get any coupons for a free Squishee either.

The Dollar Kidd’s Top 10 for 2007

The Dollar Kidd’s Top 10 for 2007

#10: Drinking and driving; take a friend because it is easier for them to get the beers while you are driving.

#9: What is worse than getting caught having sex in a public place? Being alone when you get caught.

#8: Every time you masturbate, you increase your chances of getting caught.

#7: Raping a prostitute is the same as shop lifting. Well, I just thought of something, this is only true where prostitution is legal. Otherwise it would be offsetting penalties. In which case you may both be subject to prosecution.

#6: Illegal immigrants to receive Social Security benefits. Great Idea! Whoever thought of this idea should be assassinated.

#5: Why do people say Seasons Greetings or Happy Holidays while Christmas shopping? What is the big deal? You say Merry Christmas to someone and they say Happy Hanukah back to you. Great, you both got your point across, why is that offensive?

#4: A cashier, counting change back, is a math class trivia question.

#3: Thanksgiving is an American tradition. A feast of thanks, by Pilgrims and Indians, is what we were told in school. Well we are changing evermore for the immigrants and illegal aliens. Let’s drop this tradition for something more modern. Let’s take 2 days of work to throw a party for illegal aliens, and provide them with food and clothes til they take can take one of our jobs.

#2: Fast Food restaurants are not as fast as they used to be. I have sat longer at a drive thru window than at a red light. Actually longer to order, then wait for someone to say ok go ahead when your ready, then wait to pay, then wait for that small fry or 6 piece nugget. Then wait for the car ahead of you to pass everything out to all of the kids... What would they do if we started to call in our orders and use the drive thru...

And the Number 1 Thing to remember for 2007
#1: Friends with benefits; is a lot like working for a temp service. Once the job is done, you’re looking for work again.
Note: You might get called back depending on; punctuality, availability, performance, and ability to work long hours if / as needed.

I Was Grounded / We Were Poor

I was grounded a lot as a kid.
I often watched Carol Burnett with my mom. When I got older, I could see Carol’s angry scowl face as my mom yelled at me. That squinted eyes and severely puckered lips. I am like no way, where is Tim Conway and Harvey Corman. I also had a crush on Vicki Lawrence, I was really stupid and told my ex-girlfriend that and she says… ha ha you have a crush on Mama from Mama’s Family.
It then turned into a school yard thing...
yes you did
no i didn't it was Vicki, not mama...

I often was grounded for impersonating Jack Tripper’s physical comedy. My mom did not find any humor in me tripping over a bucket of water, but it was funny when Jack Tripper did.

How long can you get grounded for? Many times my sentence childhood.
Dollar! your are grounded until you are 18. I was like 9 or 10 the first time this happened. I was devastated, thinking wow as long as I have been alive, I am grounded for that long. I don’t even remember how long I have been alive. This bothered me, I started to think of a way to escape. There was no way I was going to do 8 or 9 years of hard time of solitary confinement in my room. Even worse the person having control knows more about you than you do. Telling you all of the things you did as a baby or toddler.

I had many of the same reasons / convictions for being grounded.
Not calling, coming home late, lying. But I had very good co-conspirators.
My uncles, yes they kept me loaded with an arsenal. They helped me off to a bad start right away. They provided pull string pops, and cigarette loads and always provking me to cuss. Why b/c it is hilarious when a 4 year old says ahh shit. Or sitting on the roof of a car with a PA yeah you remember them CB's and PA's.. saying asshole, shit. Then my uncles would run away and there I am all alone cussing, as my mom comes flying out the screen door to yell at a 4 year old.

There is nothing better than rigging a pull string popper to the toilet seat. Imagine someone already has to pee and you shock their system when they are already anticipating the relief only moments away and begin to relax for that then pop. Lets just say that the boys were not the only ones to piss on the seat at our house. My uncles even bought me extra string, for more creative rigging.

Cigarette loads. Now there is my first childhood sentence. I was devastated.
My mom was going out with a girlfriend to the local bar. And I had loaded cigarettes before. So she would always light them and hold them down and away form people for the first part of it. I would stay up until they got home (but pretending to be asleep) to hear of any success with my evil little plans. Well I had found out what she was doing. So I used a toothpick and pushed the explosive wood sliver further into the cigarette. That night was one I won’t forget, I thought I went too far, I thought I was going to military school.
My mom at the bar her cigarette blew up as she was toking on it and put tobacco in several nearby drinks and all over her hair and large 80’s style glasses, it sounded horrific. My mom is yelling I oughta wake his little ass up right now and spank him. Little did she know I was always awake when she got home. She is practically screaming, I still am covered in tobacco! I almost laughed out loud. He could have injured me or someone else, and she is going on like I am a criminal. Then I was reassured, when her girlfriend says, yes but it was funny. It scared the shit out of everyone…. Then I let out my devious little smile and went to sleep as they laughed about it. I knew that I would get a stern scolding in the morning.

We were poor
Yes we were poor when I was a kid. I can remember not having a car in the early 80’s, we lived in a tin hut complex. I still drive by there once in awhile let out a smile and think, ahhh I remember when that was home. Now it is so much different, almost all of the trees there are gone because of wind and lightning, they used to have bushes and landscaping. Now have dog chains and gas grills that have been converted to charcoal grills, car parts. But the silver siding and matching roof are still the same. Ahh yes home sweet home..

We had food stamps you know they were all different colors and real embarrassing to use and the WIC program free milk and cheese. I remember going to another town to pick up WIC, I told my mom, mom we are not poor anymore we have a car, they are going to catch us.
Shut up! And yes we are still poor, then I got that Carol Burnett scowl….
I said but if you didn’t spend that $10 on gas to get over here we could have bought milk, butter, & cheese.
Yes, but now we have gas a-a-a-a-and milk, butter, and cheese.
I said now you are just being greedy.

Being poor was not always that bad. Like once I figured it out...
My mom threatened me and said I’ll send you to military school...
I said no you won’t we can’t afford it. I am not going to get a scholarship with this attitude.

As a kid my mom once said, after I made a light of a bad situation. Do you think everything is a damn joke?
I was mad and wanted to say Yeah! BUT I said No.. but at least we can afford it. I was grounded, but this time the joke was on her, because I was still grounded from the last offense.

In school when I was directed / asked to pay attention,
I replied, do you take food stamps?

My first trip to Canada. I exchanged currency, b/c everyone said to. Otherwise if you give them American money they give you Canadian change and you are getting ripped off. So I thought they aren’t going to rip me off. so I changed in like $200 and she hands me this rainbow of paper. And I said uhm excuse me, but I gave you cash and I think you gave me Canadian food stamps.
She said no sir this is Canadian currency or cash.
I said oh. Well in the states we have green cash and colored food stamps so we can point and stare at the poor people.