A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” the child says, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me!”
Confused, the father asks what’s wrong.
“Oh, dad,” the boy sobs.
“When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech.
At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no tooth fairy’ speech.
If you’re going to tell me that adults don’t really fuck, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”
Sad but true...
Thanks Sarah
TDK
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2006
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a
$26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? ?? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a
weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo) !
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
Thanks, TJ
TDK
$26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? ?? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a
weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo) !
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
Thanks, TJ
TDK
Friday, February 02, 2007
Kids Say The Darnest Things
Author unknown.
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding hisnew baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why haveyou got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.Granny replied she was so old she didn't rememberany more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember youmust look in the back of your panties. Mine say fiveto six ."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night."I love you so much that when you die I'm going tobury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle.Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proofcap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes widewith wonder, the little girl asked: "How does itknow it's me?"
SUSAN(age 4) was drinking juice when she got thehiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again,"she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale andasked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple thatwere hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Withouttaking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why ishe whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON(age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried.When his Mom asked what was troubling him, hereplied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bedwhen I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dadread: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wifeand flee out of the city but his wife looked backand was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked:"What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met anelderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammylooked at her for a while and then asked, "Whydoesn't your skin fit your face?"The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," theminister began, with arms extended toward heaven anda rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you,we are but dust..." He would have continued but atthat moment my very obedient daughter who waslistening leaned over to me and asked quite audiblyin her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom,what is butt dust?"
Thanks Kimberly!
I have one to add.
My brother (at age 12)
He was trying to get a piece of scotch tape off of the kitchen table. Our mom said "Use some elbow grease" When she turned around he was rubbing his elbow on the tape.
TDK
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding hisnew baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why haveyou got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.Granny replied she was so old she didn't rememberany more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember youmust look in the back of your panties. Mine say fiveto six ."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night."I love you so much that when you die I'm going tobury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle.Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proofcap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes widewith wonder, the little girl asked: "How does itknow it's me?"
SUSAN(age 4) was drinking juice when she got thehiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again,"she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale andasked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple thatwere hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Withouttaking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why ishe whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON(age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried.When his Mom asked what was troubling him, hereplied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bedwhen I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dadread: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wifeand flee out of the city but his wife looked backand was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked:"What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met anelderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammylooked at her for a while and then asked, "Whydoesn't your skin fit your face?"The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," theminister began, with arms extended toward heaven anda rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you,we are but dust..." He would have continued but atthat moment my very obedient daughter who waslistening leaned over to me and asked quite audiblyin her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom,what is butt dust?"
Thanks Kimberly!
I have one to add.
My brother (at age 12)
He was trying to get a piece of scotch tape off of the kitchen table. Our mom said "Use some elbow grease" When she turned around he was rubbing his elbow on the tape.
TDK
The minister and the hillbilly
Athor undknown
A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.The hillbilly asked for a whiskey, which was brought and placed before him.The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than letliquor touch these lips."The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Hell, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
Thanks Julie!
TDK
A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.The hillbilly asked for a whiskey, which was brought and placed before him.The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than letliquor touch these lips."The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Hell, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
Thanks Julie!
TDK
30 Years Later....
Got this one from a friend, author unknown.
Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me. Married 30 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 30 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 55 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.
"My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....
Thanks Julie!
TDK
Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me. Married 30 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 30 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 55 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.
"My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....
Thanks Julie!
TDK
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