Wasn't me...

OK, so my neighbor lady is like 60 something I live in a string of about 8 houses on the edge of my small town, everyone out there is in their 50's, 60's or 70's. I am 33, so there is a generation gap or two between me and my neighbors.
So when I got out of my truck after work yesterday, she says she wants to talk to me. So I am like sure, and she turned and walked away, I am like oh shit it is about the dog shit.
Sure enough she walks me clear back around her house and says "Look at this I do not appreciate this."
I say "understandable..."
she says, "and that pine tree that borders our property line, He did his business all around it, I do not appreciate your dog using it for a restroom. AND I WANT YOU TO CLEAN IT UP!"
With a straight face, I said "Your kidding, and he told me he has been pooping in the corn field."
She replied with a straight face and a little angry "Well He’s LYING!"

If I had a Dollar...

If I had a dollar for every time someone said "There is just something about you" I would be a Millionaire.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said "Your such an asshole" I would be a Billionaire.

If I had a dollar for every time I had sex, I would be the world's cheapest Gigalo.

If I had a dollar every time that I masturbated, I would be a self made Millionaire.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said "Damn you are HOT!" I wouldn't be able to afford the gas I put in my car.

If I had a dollar for every time I said "I am never drinking again" I could throw an annual party for years to come.

If I had a dollar for every time I told someone my opinion. Warren Buffet would be trying to buy into my gig.

If I had a dollar for every penny I have ever made. Well let's just say I would be a little bit happier right now.

Later,
TDK

Nothing To Live For

A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know!” the child says, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me!”

Confused, the father asks what’s wrong.
“Oh, dad,” the boy sobs.
“When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech.
At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no tooth fairy’ speech.
If you’re going to tell me that adults don’t really fuck, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

Sad but true...

Thanks Sarah

TDK

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2006

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a
$26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? ?? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a
weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo) !

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Thanks, TJ

TDK

Kids Say The Darnest Things

Author unknown.
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding hisnew baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why haveyou got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.Granny replied she was so old she didn't rememberany more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember youmust look in the back of your panties. Mine say fiveto six ."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night."I love you so much that when you die I'm going tobury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle.Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proofcap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes widewith wonder, the little girl asked: "How does itknow it's me?"

SUSAN(age 4) was drinking juice when she got thehiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again,"she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale andasked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple thatwere hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Withouttaking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why ishe whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON(age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried.When his Mom asked what was troubling him, hereplied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bedwhen I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dadread: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wifeand flee out of the city but his wife looked backand was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked:"What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met anelderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammylooked at her for a while and then asked, "Whydoesn't your skin fit your face?"The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," theminister began, with arms extended toward heaven anda rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you,we are but dust..." He would have continued but atthat moment my very obedient daughter who waslistening leaned over to me and asked quite audiblyin her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom,what is butt dust?"

Thanks Kimberly!

I have one to add.
My brother (at age 12)
He was trying to get a piece of scotch tape off of the kitchen table. Our mom said "Use some elbow grease" When she turned around he was rubbing his elbow on the tape.

TDK

The minister and the hillbilly

Athor undknown

A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.The hillbilly asked for a whiskey, which was brought and placed before him.The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than letliquor touch these lips."The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Hell, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Thanks Julie!

TDK

30 Years Later....

Got this one from a friend, author unknown.

Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me. Married 30 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 30 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 55 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.

"My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....

Thanks Julie!

TDK

Just babbling

Hey Kidd, do you highlight your hair?
No, it's overspray from huffing yellow paint.

Are we there yet?
Now if we were there, would you still be asking?

Dollar Kidd: Hey what did you do that for?
Johnny: Because I am stupid why?
Dollar Kidd: That's what I thought, I just wanted a second opinion.

So, I am having trouble with some software. I call this tech support and the guy who answers sounds like Apu of the Simpson's. And when he says something if you do not reply quick enough, he repeats himself over and over until you comment. Once you comment he moves on. So if you are not done with step one, you just have to listen to him repeat himself. I lost some files that I had to purchase and he said you should have saved them off to a CD. I said yeah thanks, so I guess I don't get any coupons for a free Squishee either.

Making Breakfast

I don't know who wrote this one, but I ike it... SO TRUE!


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen."Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURNTHEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!Careful .
CAREFUL! I said be
CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up!Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him."What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

RED SKELTON

Red Skelton's Recipe For The Perfect Marriage

From the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere. But she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it ............... just clean and simple fun.

The Dollar Kidd’s Top 10 for 2007

The Dollar Kidd’s Top 10 for 2007

#10: Drinking and driving; take a friend because it is easier for them to get the beers while you are driving.

#9: What is worse than getting caught having sex in a public place? Being alone when you get caught.

#8: Every time you masturbate, you increase your chances of getting caught.

#7: Raping a prostitute is the same as shop lifting. Well, I just thought of something, this is only true where prostitution is legal. Otherwise it would be offsetting penalties. In which case you may both be subject to prosecution.

#6: Illegal immigrants to receive Social Security benefits. Great Idea! Whoever thought of this idea should be assassinated.

#5: Why do people say Seasons Greetings or Happy Holidays while Christmas shopping? What is the big deal? You say Merry Christmas to someone and they say Happy Hanukah back to you. Great, you both got your point across, why is that offensive?

#4: A cashier, counting change back, is a math class trivia question.

#3: Thanksgiving is an American tradition. A feast of thanks, by Pilgrims and Indians, is what we were told in school. Well we are changing evermore for the immigrants and illegal aliens. Let’s drop this tradition for something more modern. Let’s take 2 days of work to throw a party for illegal aliens, and provide them with food and clothes til they take can take one of our jobs.

#2: Fast Food restaurants are not as fast as they used to be. I have sat longer at a drive thru window than at a red light. Actually longer to order, then wait for someone to say ok go ahead when your ready, then wait to pay, then wait for that small fry or 6 piece nugget. Then wait for the car ahead of you to pass everything out to all of the kids... What would they do if we started to call in our orders and use the drive thru...

And the Number 1 Thing to remember for 2007
#1: Friends with benefits; is a lot like working for a temp service. Once the job is done, you’re looking for work again.
Note: You might get called back depending on; punctuality, availability, performance, and ability to work long hours if / as needed.

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007

New Rule .1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule .2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule .3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule .4: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule .5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule .6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket... water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That should be your flavored water.

New Rule .7: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule .8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule .9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, "No, I don't want cash back", and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule .10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule .11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule .12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule .13: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule .14: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule .15: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint, as if I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule .16: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months?" "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place . I was attempting to be nice

I couldn't agree more... And it is comical at the same time.

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much, that was wonderful but listen very, very closely......





A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

All Aboard...

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old sonplaying with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kindof language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you areto stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with yourtrain... but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playingwith his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your tripwas a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you justboarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope youwill have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you whoare pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay..... please see the bitch in thekitchen...."


I simply love this joke... reminds me of the joys of being a kidd.

-TDK

I Was Grounded / We Were Poor

I was grounded a lot as a kid.
I often watched Carol Burnett with my mom. When I got older, I could see Carol’s angry scowl face as my mom yelled at me. That squinted eyes and severely puckered lips. I am like no way, where is Tim Conway and Harvey Corman. I also had a crush on Vicki Lawrence, I was really stupid and told my ex-girlfriend that and she says… ha ha you have a crush on Mama from Mama’s Family.
It then turned into a school yard thing...
yes you did
no i didn't it was Vicki, not mama...

I often was grounded for impersonating Jack Tripper’s physical comedy. My mom did not find any humor in me tripping over a bucket of water, but it was funny when Jack Tripper did.

How long can you get grounded for? Many times my sentence childhood.
Dollar! your are grounded until you are 18. I was like 9 or 10 the first time this happened. I was devastated, thinking wow as long as I have been alive, I am grounded for that long. I don’t even remember how long I have been alive. This bothered me, I started to think of a way to escape. There was no way I was going to do 8 or 9 years of hard time of solitary confinement in my room. Even worse the person having control knows more about you than you do. Telling you all of the things you did as a baby or toddler.

I had many of the same reasons / convictions for being grounded.
Not calling, coming home late, lying. But I had very good co-conspirators.
My uncles, yes they kept me loaded with an arsenal. They helped me off to a bad start right away. They provided pull string pops, and cigarette loads and always provking me to cuss. Why b/c it is hilarious when a 4 year old says ahh shit. Or sitting on the roof of a car with a PA yeah you remember them CB's and PA's.. saying asshole, shit. Then my uncles would run away and there I am all alone cussing, as my mom comes flying out the screen door to yell at a 4 year old.

There is nothing better than rigging a pull string popper to the toilet seat. Imagine someone already has to pee and you shock their system when they are already anticipating the relief only moments away and begin to relax for that then pop. Lets just say that the boys were not the only ones to piss on the seat at our house. My uncles even bought me extra string, for more creative rigging.

Cigarette loads. Now there is my first childhood sentence. I was devastated.
My mom was going out with a girlfriend to the local bar. And I had loaded cigarettes before. So she would always light them and hold them down and away form people for the first part of it. I would stay up until they got home (but pretending to be asleep) to hear of any success with my evil little plans. Well I had found out what she was doing. So I used a toothpick and pushed the explosive wood sliver further into the cigarette. That night was one I won’t forget, I thought I went too far, I thought I was going to military school.
My mom at the bar her cigarette blew up as she was toking on it and put tobacco in several nearby drinks and all over her hair and large 80’s style glasses, it sounded horrific. My mom is yelling I oughta wake his little ass up right now and spank him. Little did she know I was always awake when she got home. She is practically screaming, I still am covered in tobacco! I almost laughed out loud. He could have injured me or someone else, and she is going on like I am a criminal. Then I was reassured, when her girlfriend says, yes but it was funny. It scared the shit out of everyone…. Then I let out my devious little smile and went to sleep as they laughed about it. I knew that I would get a stern scolding in the morning.

We were poor
Yes we were poor when I was a kid. I can remember not having a car in the early 80’s, we lived in a tin hut complex. I still drive by there once in awhile let out a smile and think, ahhh I remember when that was home. Now it is so much different, almost all of the trees there are gone because of wind and lightning, they used to have bushes and landscaping. Now have dog chains and gas grills that have been converted to charcoal grills, car parts. But the silver siding and matching roof are still the same. Ahh yes home sweet home..

We had food stamps you know they were all different colors and real embarrassing to use and the WIC program free milk and cheese. I remember going to another town to pick up WIC, I told my mom, mom we are not poor anymore we have a car, they are going to catch us.
Shut up! And yes we are still poor, then I got that Carol Burnett scowl….
I said but if you didn’t spend that $10 on gas to get over here we could have bought milk, butter, & cheese.
Yes, but now we have gas a-a-a-a-and milk, butter, and cheese.
I said now you are just being greedy.

Being poor was not always that bad. Like once I figured it out...
My mom threatened me and said I’ll send you to military school...
I said no you won’t we can’t afford it. I am not going to get a scholarship with this attitude.

As a kid my mom once said, after I made a light of a bad situation. Do you think everything is a damn joke?
I was mad and wanted to say Yeah! BUT I said No.. but at least we can afford it. I was grounded, but this time the joke was on her, because I was still grounded from the last offense.

In school when I was directed / asked to pay attention,
I replied, do you take food stamps?

My first trip to Canada. I exchanged currency, b/c everyone said to. Otherwise if you give them American money they give you Canadian change and you are getting ripped off. So I thought they aren’t going to rip me off. so I changed in like $200 and she hands me this rainbow of paper. And I said uhm excuse me, but I gave you cash and I think you gave me Canadian food stamps.
She said no sir this is Canadian currency or cash.
I said oh. Well in the states we have green cash and colored food stamps so we can point and stare at the poor people.